Church offers holiday support for separated and divorced Catholics

By Mary Ann Wyand

Thanksgiving. Christmas. New Year’s Eve.

“Happy holidays” is a familiar greeting during Advent, but the holidays aren’t always happy for families experiencing the grief of separation or divorce.

Marilyn Hess, associate director of the archdiocesan Office of Family Ministries, wants separated and divorced Catholics to know that the Church offers programs and support groups to help them cope during this emotional time.

“Divorce is painful for all the family members who are affected,” Hess said, “but it’s a particularly difficult time, I think, for Catholics because the Catholic Church holds such a high standard for marriage.”

Separated or divorced people need to be aware that the holidays can be a painful time, she said, and they should ask for help when they need it.

November is a good time to evaluate holiday traditions, Hess said, and plan new family rituals for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

“Parents need to be aware of their energy level,” she said. “This might be the year to say no to some things that would be difficult and find some new ways to be together as a family.”

Hess said separated or divorced parents should remember that children need to enjoy holiday parties and have fun with both sides of the family.

“Give your children permission to enjoy holiday celebrations at the other parent’s house without feeling guilty,” she said. “At the same time, recognize that you are going to feel sad during the holidays so decide when you are going to grieve privately and find a safe place to comfort yourself when your children are gone.”

The holidays also are a stressful time because of additional expenses, Hess said, that include decorating a Christmas tree and buying gifts for loved ones.

“On top of all the emotional, psychological and financial pain that Catholics go through,” she said, “there’s also a spiritual element and a sense of failure that they failed to live up to the sacramental expectations of marriage.”

Separated and divorced Catholics often have questions about Church teaching on marriage, Hess said, but they may be reluctant to ask for help or wonder who to ask for assistance.

“There’s a lot of misunderstanding about divorce and the person’s status in the Church,” she said, “so we try to reach out to people and help them during that difficult time with programs like Divorce and Beyond, retreats for separated and divorced Catholics, and the annual Family Mass and Social for Separated and Divorced Catholics.”

Hess said the Mass for individuals and families experiencing separation and divorce includes a healing service and is followed by social time.

“It’s an opportunity for people to talk to other people who have gone through the same experience,” Hess said, “and to find out about some of the [divorce ministry] programs that are being offered or planned in coming months.”

She invites separated and divorced Catholics to participate in the family Mass and social on Nov. 12, which does not require reservations, and to inquire about programs and support groups.

St. Joan of Arc parishioner Carol Morris of Indianapolis helps facilitate a monthly support group for separated and divorced Catholics hosted by St. Pius X Parish in Indianapolis, and also assisted with preparations for the family Mass.

“Bring your family members along to share in this beautiful experience,” Morris said. “There will be a reception afterward.” †